Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Much Required

Upon returning to Colorado, I was consumed with wanting to go back to Lithuania. It was my every thought. I'm sure I got on my friends' and family's nerves talking about it. But it's where I want to be, where I need to be, and I have no doubt about that. With this massive goal in front of me, it's difficult not to be intimidated and overwhelmed. I know God will help me get there, but I am faced with the question, What do I do to get there?

During the couple weeks following my return to Colorado that I had before fall semester started, I took some time to relax and do things I enjoy like writing, reading, drawing. I also had to unpack (yes, that was a huge feat in itself... you should have seen my suitcase) and reorganize my chaotic room. Then I had to repack to move back up north to Greeley. After moving back to Greeley is when everything really started...

I began to feel the drudgery of life, as everything within me longed to be back in Lithuania actually doing something that mattered, but here I was in Greeley going to class, coming home, hanging out with friends, going to church. I felt like I was making a difference and doing something when I was in Lithuania. What was I doing here? What was the point? These were not good feelings at all. Soon came a very timely sermon titled "Actively Waiting," and I realized that more than anything, I needed to just stay involved and do all I could while I'm here waiting. So I took a deep breath and decided to focus on the now instead of the later.

However, with focusing on "the now," I began to see some things in my life that needed to be changed if I wanted to get to "the later." The first thing I changed was the consistency of my walk with God. I had a fairly regular prayer life before, but somehow it mattered even more now. I had to keep the communication lines open with God, praying without ceasing. Additionally, I had to get better with my Bible reading habits. I decided that the Bible should be read more than any other book on any day, and as a college student with tons of reading to do, that was a difficult task. However, although not easy, these things have been totally worth it.

The more difficult change came from weeding things out of my life. I began to notice some little changes that needed to be made, and the most difficult things about those was just developing better habits. The more consistent prayer life and Bible reading helped tremendously with that, as good habits took the place of bad ones. The hardest thing to remove from my life was relationships. Honestly, I had a few that needed to become less important to me so they'd be less influential. But there was one that had to be severed completely.

You may see it as drastic, but I see it as obedient. I was in a relationship that was getting more and more serious, and I honestly saw myself staying with him and marrying him. However, it became apparent that I had a choice to make. I couldn't stay with him and follow God's plan for my life. The two happening together was just impossible. As many ways as I tried to make it work in my head, it just couldn't in reality. I'd been praying about our relationship, but my prayers became more consistent, and more desperate as I sought a definite clarity during this time. Few people know the specifics of this, but finally, in frustration, I gave God a kind of list of demands, "If you don't want me to stay with him, do this, this, and this!" I know it's okay to pray specifically, but I did it the wrong way and in the wrong attitude. Still, God answered it in all its specifics within hours (when I had demanded "within a week"). Soon thereafter, I made the decision I needed to: I chose God over him.

Throughout this journey, part of a Scripture from my earlier Bible quizzing years has been constantly on my mind. "For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." Luke 12:48

As I've prepared myself spiritually to move forward with God's plan for my life, I've also been making sure I'm on the right path to end up where I need to as far as with school, career goals, etc. Some great opportunities have opened up to me, and I'm excited for all that's happening. But I'll save that exciting news for the next post.